Anger

I get angry at times, and I mean dangerous, bad, hostile, shit, raging red, smoke,infected, uncontrollable. Complete blind maniac sensation.

Infinity

There is infinity in my every emotion....the everything that I feel or deny is endless and my life in definition, in circumstance,is an explosion, well contained within myself, so as to not hurt the outside world...but I WANT to hurt everyone sometimes, because I have no one to blame and its confusing because there is no fucking reason for all this contradiction inside.

Contradiction

Im not dead and weak, im not deaf and hallucinating pain, fuck no...Is it so terryfying to feel powerful and ugly and mad and primitive, sometimes the enough and necessary emotion we are after is not an emotion at all...its action, power, movement...to do mad things and live madly, make mistakes, cut, heal, rain fever, inhale energy and breathe out the dizzyness and sever from the normal and bend over the railing and look down into the depth,height,whatever and fucking fall,dive fly, free, instead of waiting to be safe and comfortably incoherent and unconnected.

Connectivity

I need to feel like everything will be new forever. So new, so intricately simple and connected. And I want to be drenched in the sweat of frighful uncertainity of watching something completely, without discarding, as a new born and like I have always wanted to witness. An unbroken, guiltless emotion.

Thought

I have a thought, I hold it in my head for a while...the thought of waking up in the hazy green clearing to the distant sound of a liquid stream and birds and grasshoppers and the spirit of morning sunlight on dew, and watching the orange dawn sky awaken into blue, as the pieces of wood, still warm and tired from burning all night finally give up and leave embers that glow in the free wandering wind. And the sound of everything fills my head clearing out the dirt and bandages from the wounds of a murderous, torturous city life, to which I never really belonged.

Ah Im dying to escape. Forever. Animal dreams. Animal screams.

Too straight, Too sharp

All I know and feel instead, is a four walled one door two windows room and the end of wonder...its failure to break away from a simple trap, there is simply no escape...drugs sex alcohol is only a dream inside another. Its a messy dream. So im sitting here, and Im tied down, raging hot and kindered....but Im sitting quietly and looking too straight...too sharp.

I want everything to be basic again. I want everything to start again...from the molecule and I want to be born with nothing; no emotions, no roof on my head, I want grass under my feet, insects crawling my skin, thunderstorm survival, hunting food, living and wondering about the stars and ignoring the distant growl of the darkness at night; I want to find friends, I want to protect them, I want to trust them to protect me. I want to live.

That is the end and begining, the motive, the knowledge, the proof of being human and feeling certain.

"Pure as we begin.
Pure as we come in.
Pure as we begin.
Ruled by will alone."

I want to be ruled by will alone.
how did we forget everything?

How?

Leaving

Everyone’s saying different things to me, lies or half truths and circling in paradoxes and clichés forever…and I’m waiting for that positive sign of connection and freedom. But then I laugh and smile and accept that these are the same people ill always love because by some strange coincidence I was a part of their lives and they were a part of mine, in more ways than they can imagine. And I agree that we haven’t found freedom or answers. We haven’t found anything at all. I have walked sober into drunken dingy rooms filled with happy people. A boy lying on the floor eyes half closed but conscious of my arrival lifts his hand to hold mine. Stepping over empty bottles and spent cigarettes I have walked in and drank with them, in pain, in happiness, in wild boredom, in nasty anger, in friendship, in closeness, in faith. I owe them so much. How will they ever know?

It’s almost over. What is remaining now is a few days, a few waiting hours, a few lasting conversations, and the few clean constellations on a moonless beach. A little less of everything can amount to a lot. Everything will shrink into one of those snapshot reels that never really ends or begins.

I’m watching him. And he is leaving, with his suitcases and his computer boxes tied tight with a clothesline he has used for four years, hauling his luggage and heavy heart through corridors that echoes with the remains of laughter so insane, that it’s not possible to forget. I see him smile at me as I walk down, honest and heartbreaking. And it’s strange when he finally says goodbye so naturally, without effort, and takes a share of my insanity, to keep it in his little blue box as I take a share of his acceptance. It’s strange that we both feel the same, it’s strange that we both realize that after four long years of sweat and salvation we still don’t know each others names...and won’t ever need to.

And I accept. And I return, for the sake of a time too long to be torn away.

But everyone is all grown up now. Everyone expects the end and accepts it when it arrives, just like another beginning.

They are not complicated people. And I like them. The strain that creeps in is almost sadness, only a little more. It’s like good chocolate. Always surprising but there is the hint of sweet bitterness everywhere.

But its overdue, I have to go, I know I cant stay, I cant say why, I don’t know how but I just have to leave this place and the dreams it makes and breaks. I am wounded in ways that make bleeding seem like an everyday affair. Not suicidal, slash wrist, choke on blood torture but the more forcefully sensitive bleeding. The bleeding that makes you weak and teaches you how to live a life when all you can see is this world of beauty, the world in which you are the slight stranger watching the children play in their strange beautiful ways and wondering where purity lies.

Sometimes within

Always without

* to Prabha and the still night and the stars we tossed around