March Passed

Its strange to be here, all by myself, dreaming, singing in my head, feeling breaths inside my chest, nicotine stains on the porcelain ashtray...it just feels strange. Slow breathing. One more cigarette. One more song. One more hour. One more cigarette. Its so beautiful sometimes. The thought of fire. The thought...

Hours are not hours anymore, they are not prolonged anymore...because I am peacefully certain there is no end to time, as there is no end in infinity. Sorrow is the lighter shade of all emotions, once I witness and surrender to it. Im sure of sorrow, because it makes sense to me, its familiar, more familiar than every smiling face in every wicked corner, in every unsure step, on every left, on every right. To be odd. To feel odd. To feel seperated. To feel severed. To crave a smile and yet not find a trace.

Summer's hot breath is upon us. dry and warm and hostile...and I have not been out of my room in three days, daylight is shocking and bright and unpleasant. Step outside. Step outside. Whats on the outside? Empty rooms, corridors and trails and quiet sounds of unfamiliar voices, low, soft, afraid to be loud because the empty pathways will echo and resound and that...reminds you of how empty the place is...how abandoned.

Will someone buy me drinks and tell me lies?

I want to believe that I can recover...I can sum up all these 'alone' hours and reach a zero...I wish I could say that I am 'better' than this, better than damaged, better than scared. But all that ever happens is a distraction...a week after...a day after which, Im still beside my ashtray, telling stories of a life that once was. Maybe its a dream to be free. Its a dream to be sacred and happy. Maybe all of this lifetime will be spent in waiting to be born again.

It feels almost like a sickness. A parasite making me powerless and defeating me, defeating my little defences, defeating my effort at self preservation,and making that divide enormous, making the 'otherside' unreachable. Burning Bridges. Glowing behind us ?

Its beautiful isint it?

Will someone tell me why its so beautiful.




Guess not.